February 21, 2011

Irrational Worries

Sometimes, I say things and realize I'm a total nut job.
It's bad enough that I worry about things like Rowan's head shape or why I haven't heard her fart for 3 hours or whether or not I should go to the store today even though I really need some groceries but for some unknown reason I "feel" like everyone there will be sick and coughing all over the air and Ro will breathe it in and get her first cold OH HELL NO, or that someone's breaking in to the house every night (knock on wood) and so I wake D up multiple times to go downstairs and check on everything..

Then I go one step further and say it out loud to my mom or a friend.

Then I take it even further and blog about it for hundreds of strangers.

Then I write about how I'm writing about it.

Nut job.

It's living in fear like this that keeps us on the path of doing the same things that we always do. It's time for me to man up and get over it. Heads will continue to take shape, people don't have to fart every hour on the hour to be healthy, babies get colds, we can install security cameras.. that's life.
I've always lived in fear in one way or another. I mostly play it safe and when I do go out on a limb, it's not for something dangerous cool like skydiving or riding insane roller coasters. It's things like, blogging for whoever stumbles upon my blog to judge, or performing in front of people(actually I've never gotten stage fright except for with smaller groups of people while playing acoustic sets because the intimacy is more intimidating, but you get my point), or eating the last piece of candy that I just dropped on the semi-clean floor. Woah, gettin' crazy! I really don't want to be this kind of person for Rowan's sake. I want to experience amazing things with her and I know that sometimes my fear might get in the way of that. I'm such a routine person and I really need to work on being more flexible. So, from here on out I'm trying new things, even if they make me uncomfortable. I'm going to start small and not necessarily do anything scary, but just different (which can be scary for me sometimes).
Here's to a little courage!
Any of you felt this way?

26 comments:

  1. I think even being conscious about taking a new leap is a great step, that itself is something to be proud of. much love.

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  2. I can really relate to this post. I went from being a fearless little girl to a completely fearFUL adult- and there are soooo many things to worry about, especially having little loves we want to protect! But I realize that if I continue to live this way, my daughter will learn that same fearful behavior from me -and I don't want that at all! Thanks for the reminder, and here's to courage! (It takes a lot of courage to be transparent about this on a blog!!)

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  3. dude! i feel this way too! but it gets better. you'll become less worried as time goes on. :)

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  4. I am very much the same way! not so much about the germs, but i was a super worrier prior to getting pregnant.. then i was that girl that would look up every fact about every little thing i was feeling, thinking, saying, doing... it became a lot. then i just stopped. just one day, stopped worrying about the things i couldn't control...

    but there's things now that i worry about.. like, when i'm loading the babe into the car.. i always feel like someone is behind me, ready to.. i don't know? rob me? take my car? i have no idea. I even do this when i go to the park... it's quite crippling to feel like i can't go anywhere, just me and my kid without that fear.

    oh, to be a mom. it's because we love them so much. it's okay :) [and from what i hear, from my dad that is, it never goes away. he still worries about me every day]

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  5. you're a new mama. IT'S NORMAL, trust me...you'll relax the more you grow together. <3

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  6. When I go pee in the middle of the night I have to check behind the shower curtain first to make sure there's no axe murder in there. I also worry when Rowyn sleeps past 8 a.m. that something is wrong and I go in her room to check on her (which always ends up waking her up)
    My Husband makes fun of me for making him help me check in all the closets and on the balcony for psycho's when I hear an odd noise in our apartment. =/ I'm not allowed to watch that show "I survived" anymore for these reasons.

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  7. Yes, I totally know what you mean!!! my husband and I take turns over-worrying about the baby. I'm sure it just means we are really good parents, though (we are keeping her safe, right?!) - but too much worry can lead to stress, or too little growth, so there has to be a balance. I think you are right on point. I will add, saying my irrational worries out loud always makes me realize how silly they are - so I recommend speaking them out loud to get them out of your head! it has really helped me! :)

    also, there is this movie I always think of when I start to feel controlled by my fears - it's called Defending Your Life. It's kind of a silly but awesome 80's movie about the afterlife - and they judge your life on how well you overcame your fears. I like the idea in that movie that in order for us to live our lives fully we have to overcome what holds us back, which is usually fear! Anyway, watch it sometime if you get a chance!

    you are awesome, xo

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  8. oh my gosh! you guys are all awesome!!!!! it's good to know i'm not the only one.. ;o)

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  9. I am the same way! (new follower btw, hi!)

    I have the WORST anxiety, when I was pregnant, I wouldn't eat or drink anything that I had even heard a 'myth' about harming my baby. I'm a single mom to a 19 year old girl, Asia, and honestly for the first year of her life I would psychotically worry about everything! Temperature was the worst, I would get up 30 times a night changing the thermostat a degree up or down because I always worried she was too hot or cold. Anytime she was acting 'weird' or this or that I was on the phone with the doctor...

    I think it's a new mom thing! But I relate to just having anxiety in general as well. Don't even worry about it. Better to worry too much than not at all. :)

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  10. I think I'm reversed! I was more chill when Nolan was super new lol. Now I'm all paranoid. Of course my kid thinks he's Evil Kinevil and attempts to do the craziest stuff...so there's that?

    BUT I keep it under wraps for the most part, never show your fear to a toddler lmao

    <3 it's normal, I think! {I hope!?}

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  11. I feel this way a lot, and often think the worse. If my husband is late I wonder if those sirens are for him. Or if someone is walking behind me as I go to the bus stop I check multiple times and hold my mace close in preparation for their attack (granted I was robbed once but still... I've got to learn to let go). I worry about things I can't change instead of accepting them and learning from them more openly.

    I worry that I will be this way once our baby arrives but in a way that will make her fearful to try new things and experience all the beauty in this world. I've learned more and more as I get older to breathe deep and slow down. I don't do it all the time but the times I do make the worry subside and the pretty shine.

    You can do it! I'll be cheering you on!

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  12. I can relate to this so much, except mine is like 100 times worse. I thank my mother for that. ::sarcasm:: just look at it this way...at least you aren't in therapy for it, like myself hahaha. my assignment for this week from my therapist was to go drive to a lighted gas station alone and buy a drink or something then go home and journal about it because yes, in with a taser in my purse I refuse to drive alone at night or even stop to get gas at night by myself.

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  13. this is seriously so awesome ladies! it really does make me feel better to know i'm not the only one that's like this.. makes me feel less crazy! haha

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  14. For the record, I think Ro has a very nice little head.



    :]

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  15. Any of you felt this way?

    -Only every single day.

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  16. I have felt like this plenty of times. Actually, right after Evangelina was born, the hubs and I traveled a lot from St. George, UT to San Diego to visit family. It was a short weekend trip, but some of the hills made me nervous and not to mention the crazy desert wind. I would have panic attacks while we made our trip. And if I feel asleep just for a second I would wake up immediately thinking something was wrong. I was nuts, always thinking the worse would happen to us while driving. I'm still kind of a freak when it comes to driving, but not as bad. I just try to pay attention to our destination rather than on how to get there.

    You are definitely not nuts by any means, you are just crazy in love with you beautiful daughter. :D

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  17. i had a really hard time the first few months of H's life. I OBSESSED with SIDS. i would check him 40 times a night and go online and read horror stories about babies passing away from sids. I was a total nut case.Eventually it subsided and I just kind of got over and am now way more relaxed. I think its part of the new mom territory. Everything is so emotionally overwhelming and its a huge weight being so responsible for someone else. I think after a while you just kind of get used to it and move on.

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  18. Well i would chalk it up to new mama anxiety IF i hadn't already been this way pre-baby! i'm just a worry wart!

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  19. i've felt like that, like, EVERY SINLGE DAY since having henry five years ago. but you learn to kind of ignore it, sort of. you're not nuts, you're an amazing and wonderful mama, that's all. LOVE YOU and this post.

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  20. ALL the TIME!! At least you know that you are that way and can take the "baby" steps to overcome it for Ro's sake. Structure is good and you are providing a sense of security for your girl, so as hard as it is to do....try not to worry. Adventure will come soon enough.

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  21. New follower here, and this post made me feel better! There are soooo many times I feel like I'm stepping out of my comfort zone (and this was even before my 5 month old) for what others might consider so simple, yet it makes me anxious! But I try so hard 'cuz I don't want to affect her or limit us. Great goal. Cheers to making ourselves uncomfortable for the sake of good things :)

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  22. Wow I was literally sitting in my car last night thinking about how I wanted to write a post on this as well. Lately I've felt insane too. Like everything I do I worry about what could go wrong or protecting my baby. It ranges from thinking I am going to crash every time I get in the car with my little one from being scared to join mommy and me classes cause I'm freaked out I've lost my ability to be interesting. I'll spare you the rest of my craziness. Sometimes I feel like I've completely lost it. Like I look at my baby and I just want to protect her from everything. When I find myself doing this I've realized to just step back and know that I'm doing this because I love my baby but being a complete lunatic isn't going to be healthy for us. But don't feel guilty, your a good momma looking out for your child but you've said it outloud so things will change! Just take baby steps and do little things at a time. I'm right there with ya!

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  23. thanks for sharing girls! it's so funny that i've had so many responses to this! a GOOD kinda funny... it's very comforting to know we're all in the same boat ;o)

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  24. I have all kinds of irrational fears... always have and being pregnant doesn't help. One hour I am in tears because I haven't gained enough weight and that means something is wrong with the baby, then two hours later I am in tears because suddenly I think I have gained too much weight and that is somehow going to hurt the baby.

    Or if my family does't answer the phone it is because something bad has happened to them. It drives my husband crazy. But I have been pretty lucky in that I still take risks. It is like I spend so much time focusing on these little irrational fears that it builds up and I say "F" it and finally through all caution to the wind. It helps keep me balanced, although I wish I could get over the little things.

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  25. Wow my best friend and I were just talking about this today! We both confessed things we worried about but were worried to tell other people we worry abt it bc they will think we are being crazy moms.

    Like I always ask my sons dr about his head, I mean its round but I want to make sure it continues to get rounder, I keep worrying that someone would come and take him in the night/even though we have a video camera, or he will stop breathing and get SIDS or what if I fell down my stairs and injured myself and couldn't get him while he was crying.

    Then I have to realize that I can't be chained to my worry, that I just have to let it go. Or I'll worry myself to death
    plus my sons dr I think is going to start thinking I am crazy if I ask about my sons head one more time ha ha

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  26. I was majorly frazzled with our first born. For me, it was the shifting into motherhood, into looking after another person, rather than just myself. It was this huge new responsibility for a girl that had been, er, kind of irresponsible?
    So... in order to compensate for what I perceived to be a lack of natural responsible tendencies, I worried over and hyper managed every little detail. I checked on her 15 times a night (even when she wasn't waking every hour on her own), and during naps. Germs? ohmagah, I became the germ ranger in every public place. I noticed every sneeze, cough, red eyes, rash. the fronts of shopping carts were strictly verboten. anyone with a nasty cough *might* have to listen to me mumble about how inconsiderate it is to come in public with such a cough. Was your sick kid leaning over the sushi belt and not covering his mouth? I *might* have alerted the chef, but I can't be blamed; it was the transformative process I think I had to go through to become a responsible mother. maybe. I mean, that's what I tell myself now.

    I found that there are actually pragmatic ways to deal with it, too: super baby proofing of the home...like make it a child's palace. like we make all lower level cabinets baby friendly..no locks, but filled with fun stuff for them, and then just relax and know that everything is safe b/c you don't have to rely on being on top of things all the time--they're *always* covered. hard-n-fast rules can actually help us relax. I never have to worry that I'll be tired and neglect to gate the stairs, b/c the gate *never* comes down..... stuff like that. It just clears mental space to know that certain dangers are always taken care of, without needing to rely on daily awareness of them.

    And.... I think routine is awesome... for you and the baby. I had to really struggle to find it, but found that parenting became so much easier after I did. my oldest daughter really responds to it and gets out of sorts without it. I think it's great that you already have a handle on that and can sort of play around with it! I think most new moms struggle to create it, so it's far better to have it and then alter it, than to be grasping around for it.

    The single biggest thing that helped me cope, aside from the practical cautions, was talking to other moms about my worries, which you're doing. and yes, I worried about sharing them afterwards, and still do sometimes (now maybe?) but I think it's ubiquitous enough that no one has to feel nutzo. Or maybe we're all collectively nuts. Maybe that's just a rite of passage into motherhood?
    xo
    kristen

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